Atithi Devo Bhava: Indian Hospitality vs West Coast BYOB Culture
In my Mumbai childhood, guests never arrived empty-handed and they were never allowed to leave hungry. The Sanskrit phrase Atithi Devo Bhava (“The guest is akin to God”) hovered over every living room, sometimes literally in framed calligraphy. Years later, standing in a Portland kitchen reading a party invite that said “BYOB and maybe a snack to share,” my inner aunties nearly fainted.
💡 QUICK INTEL
Concept: Indian duty of care to guests vs West Coast self-sufficiency
India Default: Host cooks too much, guest eats too much
West Coast Default: Potlucks, shared costs, everyone brings something
Emotional Stakes: Pride, boundaries, expectations on both sides
What “the guest is God” looks like in everyday life
In many Indian households, hosting is a full-contact sport. You clean as if an inspector is coming. You cook as if an entire cricket team might show up unannounced. You insist guests take second and third helpings, then send them home with leftovers. Refusing more food is a delicate performance, with phrases like, “I am completely full, maybe just a tiny bit of that.”
Time is loose. Someone who stops by “just for chai” might stay for hours. Conversations wander from politics to recipes to cousin gossip. Leaving quickly can be read as disinterest. Hospitality is not a task on a to-do list. It is a performance of care, memory and status.
Why BYOB does not mean people do not care
On the West Coast, the script is different. Hosting is more likely to be a team effort. Potluck dinners are normal. Guests bring mains, sides, dessert, drinks. BYOB signals respect for preferences and budgets. Food is abundant, but responsibility is distributed.
For Indians raised with the Atithi Devo Bhava model, this can initially feel cold. If I bring my own wine, am I imposing? If I do not bring anything, am I rude? Over time, I learned that the potluck model lets people with small kitchens, limited time or tight finances host without drowning. Emotional labour is shared along with the casserole dishes.
West Coast Indians: living in between pressure and permission
Indian families in Seattle, Portland and the Bay Area often blend both systems. Aunties still cook too much for Diwali. Uncles still push containers of leftovers into your hands. But for casual game nights or hikes, WhatsApp groups buzz with sign-up lists: “Who is bringing chutney? Who can grab chips?” Ordering pizza instead of cooking from scratch is no longer a moral failure.
The tension shows up when relatives visit from India. They may insist on paying the entire restaurant bill, react with horror when asked to contribute to a camping trip or interpret “help yourself from the fridge” as neglect. Managing these expectations becomes its own form of diplomacy.
“India taught me that love can be measured in extra rotis. The West Coast taught me that love can also be letting your guests leave on time with their Sunday still intact.”
— Priya
The Verdict: Indian hospitality and West Coast BYOB culture are not opposites. They are different answers to questions about money, time and emotional labour. If you can sometimes cook a little too much and sometimes pass around a spreadsheet, you will find a version of hosting that does not crush anyone.